Movements in Thought

I will tell you now that I have been thinking. This writing is not ascorbic or blustering. It is simply my thoughts. Take it as it is. A rambling conversation in my head that you are privy to listen to if you choose to. So here I sit. A being of blood and rage awaiting a call. Something to move me towards.... something. I persue fields of right and wrong with a practiced eye towards doing "the right thing" as it is called. But to what ends? After what feels as a life time I still feel no closer to an answer. Am I a wayward soldier struggling to live thru an invisible war? Am I a holyman flung into a pit of heathen? Or am I just a lunatic that has not come to know himself? I once heard something said and it has always weighed on my mind. Does the loneliness of good, compare to the loneliness of evil? And what of these deeds that I do? Do they serve anyone? Have I ever actually saved anyone? Have I even helped anyone? Some would say yes but I do not know. It seems as if for all my attempts they still become victims. And what of myself? Does my suffering bear fruit in the afterlife? Are there members of a great hall waiting to welcome me with open arms, and show me the way into a field of grain? Its nice to think so, but its hard to know. Once my faith and belief was like steel. But steel rusts unless it is oiled and cleaned. I take the small blessings and am happy for them. But what of the joys my heart seeks? Are they simply things to be ignored? Most religions would say that if you do your lord's bidding then you're rewarded. I still wait for joyful rewards. Perhaps the small blessings are my rewards. Maybe they are just gifts of the faith. Mayhap I have not done enough. I dont know. All I really do know is that its dark here, and the only sound is my breathing.