Some days

This is going to be a rambling post. I have not been here for a while and I need to put my thoughts down someplace. I expect few to understand and fewer answers. But I am plauged with a wondering. Does bad luck exist? Can a person be cursed to exoerience only a negative side to things? and if so why? What persuades the universe to make a whipping boy out of one being? I dont know. Wish I did. And then there is the other thing. Someone said, "thats your problem. Stop trying to help the world and do something for you" Now how does one do that? At what point does your brain take a left turn and stop saying, "consider thier feelings" and start saying, "fuck them"? I am faced with a real delimna in life. I have 4 choices. All are good, but three people get hurt no matter what. So how does one choose who to save? Who has the right to be the one? I know, I know. Pick one and let the others be to thier own path. Yeah. I know that too. But that doesnt make choosing easier. Yeah, yeah, you dont have to say it. Truth is I already chose. Just a part of me wants to see what I am going to be missing. And I cant do that once I make the choice public. And this goes beyond just some choice of the day. Its about lots of things. Inability to choose out of fear of doing damage. The desire to make everybody happy. None of these are healthy. Problem is it isnt something you just turn off and say Im done. Its a part of personality and psyche. So it creeps in when you arent looking. So its an uphill fight. And with life kicking me in the pants these past two weeks it aint easy. Some days I just wanna walk away and pretend I was never here.