Up From The Depths

I have had a lot to think about. Alot going on. My social scene which previously was non existent blossomed for a time. I had places to go and people to see. Some of the nights were great fun.Some were not. And I felt loved and wanted. It was more fun than I imagined. I took a new job and dived into it head first. It was/is a whole new range of things that I normally don't have to do. So it takes a bit more attention from me. Its a job I could fail at. Which is something I found I had been avoiding. My car died the day I got notice about the new job. Repairs are out of the question. Just getting the suspension fixed is $800. And that still wont get it rolling. So I am not going to fix it. This leaves me with a lack of freedom. I will not ride the bus IF, I can avoid it. I started to wonder during my meditations, where all my unrest was coming from. I assumed it was me. Some of it is. Sitting here at my desk I realised something. Its calm today. Unbelievably quiet. Not because there is nothing to do, but because "The Others" are not here . They bring chaos and disorder with them. They are confused, reactionary, and stressed. And I let them bequeath the same to me. Their fear and panic overwhelmed me. I let it. I was nervous about taking a new job. And with that in the works, I walked into a stress ball, with my defenses down. And got my emotional head stoved in. So I learned something. Know when to raise shields, and brace for impact. For the first time in months I also had felt the need to change things around. A thirst to make my home my temple again. It was not a thought out plan or a whimsical "what if". It was a real need to move things around. I didn't think about it or consider the repercussions of it. I simply did it. I was beginning my prep for meditations and something looked wrong. Like something was out-of-place. Then I knew. Within a half hour I had rebuilt my living room and made some decisions for later. And I think I know why. I think She let go. She is giving over to the idea of leaving. I send her with Arms wide open. I know it will be better for her in the end. Many things must go when She does. Many things. Yet, there is a tenseness in the back of my mind. I would rather be elsewhere. Someplace with a smiling face and warm hands. I try not to dwell on it. That would do no good. I take a deep breath, to still myself. Calm and relaxed is the goal. Follow the Circle around. Don't try to outrun it. Just relax. To a degree it works. I am calm and I am mellow. But I would still prefer to be somewhere else.