The Edge

Thoughts from the edge of your reality. We always bring food for your table of knowledge.

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Deep Reflections

Well, the birthday is done. It turned out better than I thought. There was a gift for me waiting at home. A movie. And if you didnt know by now. I am all about the dvd collection. I spent time talking to several friends and I THINK we are the better for it. The people that are not local know I would have prefered to spend the day with them. They sent me warm wishes and I appreciated that. Mother and sister called and left me phone messages. Mom even sang for me. I did not do much for the night, except drive home slowly after dropping off a friend. So there was not much of an event to the evening. But the thoughts and wishes were nice. Driving home I had time to think alot. I finally understand something. I, like far too many people base alot of who I am on how someone responds to me. If I 'liked/cared about' someone and they didnt show the same thing, Well, I must be an aweful person because they did not reciprocate. NOT. I am starting to realise that this is not true. My feelings of personal self worth have nothing to do with what someone sees me as or what they may or may not say to me. Just because someone dont feel the same way, or show the same regard for me does not indicate a problem with me. I am not a bad person. I am not ugly and terrible. It just means I feel differently than they do. Conversely, what someone says about me is not going to change me. I will stioll be walking and breathing the next day. I may not like to be around that person, but I will not vanish because of a dissenting opinion of me. Sad that it took me all this time to come to this. But I am here. Now, all I have to do is live it everyday.

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

Insolent Welp

It seems that Mister Priapus over at the WhoreHouse of Mirth and Merriment has picked up darling Nicki's gauntlet and flung it at me. They want to know 5 weird things about me. Well, I tell you my friends and gentle readers, I am no coward. I will answer this challenge and you shall bear witness. 1. I am attracted to nuns. Something about a young woman in a nuns habit gets my motor running. The image of that cotton-wool garment draped over alabaster skin that has not even been kissed by the suns rays entices me. I shiver to hear moans escape from lips that only part in prayer. Perhaps it is the innocence, that they represent. Perhaps it is the chastity and purity. Perhaps it is the thought of deflowering a virgin. Could it be the concept of what is unattainable. Seemingly close at-hand, yet unreachable. Or..mayhaps, I am just bonkers. 2. My favorite movie is What Dreams May Come. Growing up as a young man, things were rarely fun. I never had a girlfriend. Having few friends also, I was very prone to reading and watching television. I read tales of heroes and thier deads. Stories of men who risked everything for one woman. Tales of women who stood by thier men thru hell, and stayed every bit a woman along the way. This is what I believed love was. Watching this film. that is what it is all about. Being really in love with someone. What these two people felt in this movie shook the heavens. And after 20 years they still rushed home to see each other. I like to hope that for some people this is what loving someone means. Because, I still cry everytime I watch it. 3. My best friend wants me to have a sub, for my veery own I am friends with one of the chapter leaders of Alternative Lifestyles in Texas. For several years now he hasd been pushing an agenda for me to have my very own sub. He believes that I am a dom at heart and that a sub is my destiny. I must confess, that to some degree the idea appeals to me. A young brunette nun on a leash at my wrist is a fantasy I have always had. I could not abuse or degrade her, it is against my nature. But the very basis of a sub, ie, there to fullfill you wants and desires because they want to, is intrigueing. Someone who is there for my pleasures, readily and willingly. And to not hold back a thought or emotion because they wont be shocked or judgemental. That is a fantasy few could resist living. 4. I recite movie lines at random. Some movies stand out in my mind. Something about the scene or the portrayal of the scene makes it memorable. This causes certain scenes to stick with me. Because my mind works in abstracts I recall these at odd moments. Hence my penchant for repeating obscure movie lines. Unfortunately because they ARE obscure to others, the lines make me sound crazy. 5. Until I was 28 years old I always had nightmares. For unknown reasons I had suffered nightmares on a constant basis. I could not until recently recount a dream that did not end in horror or terror. I do not know what catalyst took effect, or what enviromental value changed, but at some point during my 28th year I had a different dream. It was not great, but it was not a flight of terror from an unknown enemy. I am still plagued with nightmares more often than not, but occasionaly now I simply have a dream. So there you have it. There are weirder things about me, but you sont need to know them. Now, I pass the torch over to a friend at Falling to my Death and my Knees